Everybody doesn't want to fart.
At long last, friends, Hello. I have been struggling to keep up on the interweb due to the death of my lil ole iBook some weeks ago. I am most delighted to report that I am now re-computered, thanks to the amazing generosity of one of you out there, namely, Declan Coen, a dear yogi from the Yoga Now community. THANKS TIMES TEN MILLION, DECLAN! Once you have saved the virtual life of a yogini, you shall be forever virtually honored in the highest heavens.
In the way of breaking news, I would like to note that it is extremely cold outside. PSA providers are skipping tips on layering to advise gassing up the car, testing the generator and stock-piling non-perishables like dried habaneras and whiskey. Be careful, folks. I know its just Winter and all, but if you're car breaks down on the way to Kalamazoo and there's a 3-hour wait to get help, I mean, just don't go to Kalamazoo today, ok?
There is a Lojong slogan which states: If you can practice when distracted then you are well trained. Sometimes, we train by practicing under stress, practicing with the dance party blasting next door, practicing with a teacher who has recently gotten our cage rattled something fierce. And other, more colorful times, we practice with exceptionally sultry ladies in a lounge adorned with velvet and feathers. So, I dare you, basically. All of you, boys and girls, stripteasers and Baptists alike. Come practice at Studio L'Amour, a burlesque dance studio West of the Loop. (click the sidebar on the blog to go to the site.) Tuesdays 8:45-9:45pm and 2 Sundays a month at 5-6:15pm. It's good, clean, kinda saucy yoga fun.
Thanks to everyone - all 21 of you - you made New Year's Restorative Yoga such a beautiful time together! That was fun, right? Next stop: Valentine's Day. I'll be doing another special 2-hour Restorative practice, this time all heart-shaped and pink. This year, do some really loving stuff on February 14th, and practice the tools of compassion and forgiveness. It's heart-healing goodness. We aren't going to take on forgiving Hitler, or our vilest enemies, or even our last failed relationship. That would be like trying to heal a busted appendix in a 90 minute Hatha class. We're just going to introduce a technique for nurturing compassion and forgiveness. We'll practice with simple stuff. So please join us - details are on the sidebar And if you haven't got anyone to forgive, don't worry! I'll bring a few extra you can borrow.
Lastly, as some of you know, I have been conducting a survey, to get to know what you like, and what you need, et cetera et cetera. Take the survey here. Well, the facts are in, and, as far as I can tell, you seem to be unique individuals in every respect except one, and that is your fear. With almost no exception, every single one of you to take the survey wrote in that, in yoga class, you fear farting. Let me add that this was NOT a multiple choice question. It was not as if I said: "What do you fear? Farting, Teddy Bears or Chocolate?" and you responded unanimously. This was a WRITTEN IN long answer question that you all answered in unison. I have been so moved by the power of you all standing together on this issue that I feel compelled to clear the air with a ten count list on farting.
1. Everybody farts sometimes. My mother, a Southern Belle if there ever were one, has confessed that she "toots" once every morning.
2. Your teacher does not care. Anyone who's ever done a shot of wheatgrass knows that bodies will be bodies. Your teacher puts her hands on sweaty necks, stinky feet, greasy hair all day long. It's not romantic to her. It's very ho-hum. She does not care.
3. No one knows it was you. While the sense of smell is directional, it is not as directional as other senses, and so really the only person who knows it was you is the one walking around - your teacher, who does not care.
4. Incense: a coincidence? If you think you're going to pull the pin on a stink bomb, you might mention to your teacher before class that you really, really love it when she burns the Palo Santo.
5. Chew every bite 26 times. Especially cabbage and raw vegetables. Which reminds me of a saying in Mississippi, "I don't chew my cabbage twice" which is used to convey, "If you didn't hear me the first time, you're out of luck." Mississippi is a smelly place.
6. Let off some steam before class begins with Vatayanasana.
7. Just say no to cauliflower quiche. The odor of farts comes from small amounts of hydrogen sulfide gas and mercaptans in the mixture, which contain sulfur. The more sulfur-rich your diet, the more your farts will stink. Foods such as cauliflower, eggs and meat are the worst, whereas beans produce large amounts of not particularly stinky farts.
8. Morning classes may be safer. Even if you're in class with my mom, you'll have a better time of it in the morning, as science-related studies show that the sense of smell in humans is least acute in the a.m., and grows more keen into the evening.
9. Stand clear of the candles. Farts do ignite, and burn with a blue or yellow flame. "According to Dr. James L. A. Roth, a blue flame is indicative of the presence of methane in the flatus. Since methane producers are an elite group (only 1/3 of the population), an exclusive club called the Royal Order of the Blue Flame has been established that is open only to them." says Brenna Lorenz, of Facts on Farts.
10. I think it's time for a gratitude moment. Some people are afraid of things that could actually harm them. You are afraid of air. Air which comes from your own body. And that is funny to me.
In the way of breaking news, I would like to note that it is extremely cold outside. PSA providers are skipping tips on layering to advise gassing up the car, testing the generator and stock-piling non-perishables like dried habaneras and whiskey. Be careful, folks. I know its just Winter and all, but if you're car breaks down on the way to Kalamazoo and there's a 3-hour wait to get help, I mean, just don't go to Kalamazoo today, ok?
There is a Lojong slogan which states: If you can practice when distracted then you are well trained. Sometimes, we train by practicing under stress, practicing with the dance party blasting next door, practicing with a teacher who has recently gotten our cage rattled something fierce. And other, more colorful times, we practice with exceptionally sultry ladies in a lounge adorned with velvet and feathers. So, I dare you, basically. All of you, boys and girls, stripteasers and Baptists alike. Come practice at Studio L'Amour, a burlesque dance studio West of the Loop. (click the sidebar on the blog to go to the site.) Tuesdays 8:45-9:45pm and 2 Sundays a month at 5-6:15pm. It's good, clean, kinda saucy yoga fun.
Thanks to everyone - all 21 of you - you made New Year's Restorative Yoga such a beautiful time together! That was fun, right? Next stop: Valentine's Day. I'll be doing another special 2-hour Restorative practice, this time all heart-shaped and pink. This year, do some really loving stuff on February 14th, and practice the tools of compassion and forgiveness. It's heart-healing goodness. We aren't going to take on forgiving Hitler, or our vilest enemies, or even our last failed relationship. That would be like trying to heal a busted appendix in a 90 minute Hatha class. We're just going to introduce a technique for nurturing compassion and forgiveness. We'll practice with simple stuff. So please join us - details are on the sidebar And if you haven't got anyone to forgive, don't worry! I'll bring a few extra you can borrow.
Lastly, as some of you know, I have been conducting a survey, to get to know what you like, and what you need, et cetera et cetera. Take the survey here. Well, the facts are in, and, as far as I can tell, you seem to be unique individuals in every respect except one, and that is your fear. With almost no exception, every single one of you to take the survey wrote in that, in yoga class, you fear farting. Let me add that this was NOT a multiple choice question. It was not as if I said: "What do you fear? Farting, Teddy Bears or Chocolate?" and you responded unanimously. This was a WRITTEN IN long answer question that you all answered in unison. I have been so moved by the power of you all standing together on this issue that I feel compelled to clear the air with a ten count list on farting.
1. Everybody farts sometimes. My mother, a Southern Belle if there ever were one, has confessed that she "toots" once every morning.
2. Your teacher does not care. Anyone who's ever done a shot of wheatgrass knows that bodies will be bodies. Your teacher puts her hands on sweaty necks, stinky feet, greasy hair all day long. It's not romantic to her. It's very ho-hum. She does not care.
3. No one knows it was you. While the sense of smell is directional, it is not as directional as other senses, and so really the only person who knows it was you is the one walking around - your teacher, who does not care.
4. Incense: a coincidence? If you think you're going to pull the pin on a stink bomb, you might mention to your teacher before class that you really, really love it when she burns the Palo Santo.
5. Chew every bite 26 times. Especially cabbage and raw vegetables. Which reminds me of a saying in Mississippi, "I don't chew my cabbage twice" which is used to convey, "If you didn't hear me the first time, you're out of luck." Mississippi is a smelly place.
6. Let off some steam before class begins with Vatayanasana.
7. Just say no to cauliflower quiche. The odor of farts comes from small amounts of hydrogen sulfide gas and mercaptans in the mixture, which contain sulfur. The more sulfur-rich your diet, the more your farts will stink. Foods such as cauliflower, eggs and meat are the worst, whereas beans produce large amounts of not particularly stinky farts.
8. Morning classes may be safer. Even if you're in class with my mom, you'll have a better time of it in the morning, as science-related studies show that the sense of smell in humans is least acute in the a.m., and grows more keen into the evening.
9. Stand clear of the candles. Farts do ignite, and burn with a blue or yellow flame. "According to Dr. James L. A. Roth, a blue flame is indicative of the presence of methane in the flatus. Since methane producers are an elite group (only 1/3 of the population), an exclusive club called the Royal Order of the Blue Flame has been established that is open only to them." says Brenna Lorenz, of Facts on Farts.
10. I think it's time for a gratitude moment. Some people are afraid of things that could actually harm them. You are afraid of air. Air which comes from your own body. And that is funny to me.
Nice one, Miz Yogapants. Thankfully, I did not have to drive to Kalamazoo and smell my own farts for three hours while stuck in my car on the side of the road today. The lake was beautiful today.
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I never said I was afraid of my farts. I'm afraid of yours.
Regardless, if I lived in the Chicago neighborhood, I'd likely be a new devotee yoga convert. got Faith.
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