The 100th entry
Hi guys. This here entry is the 100th entry posted on Yoga, For The Moment. Congratulations would be in order, if this were some kind of a big deal. But it isn't, really. I mean, this is a blog. And in the words of some jerk whose tweet got passed around last week, "getting 'published' online is like getting a 'blow job' from your hand." If today's entry says anything, maybe it says I've gotten dexterous.
I thought I'd tell you where the blog came from, since sometimes people ask me things like, "what is your blog about?" and, "why did you start writing a blog?" and I usually make some shit up about my concern for thinking and feeling 20-70 somethings who can relate to tranced out gurus about as much as they can righteously dogmatic atheists, which is, like, zero, and how, with regard to spirituality, no one can be trusted, of course they can't, being human, who can blame them, but how, without an anchor point, without giving oneself to any point of view, meaning, I think, having faith in something, or even just trying it on for a while but really zipping it all the way up and putting the shoes on with it, it's really hard to get any clarity or perspective, and so what do we do with all this, wanting to be smart thinkers and still soulful or whatever? And when I say all that, usually in a lengthier way, with hand gestures and profanity (for emphasis), I get the feeling that I have been heard and understood and connected with and then sometimes, if I've done a good job, both parties are visibly but silently like, "we are really having a conversation now," because of all the really important-seeming things that just got casually referenced.
The problem is, that story is a little bit made up after the fact. I mean, the blog is about that stuff, and is for those people, because those people are me, but I started writing this blog to amuse myself, or to save my own life, which I'm coming to believe is the same thing.
It was Summer of 2008, and I wasn't thinking straight. After years of taking lots of prescribed (and unprescribed) drugs for mental problems and general misery, I decided not to take them anymore. There were a lot of things going on, not the least of which was my Saturn Return, but I'd weaned myself for 6 months AMA, and felt like the time had come, so there it was. I wrote about this once before, because it was nuts. (The drug I stopped taking, Effexor, is not really to be fucked with. Really, don't fuck with it.) I went crazy. The first day off of the stuff and I had the feeling that the wires connecting my eyes to my brain were shorting out. I blinked a lot, squeezing my eyes like I was trying to reset them. By day three I seemed to have lost access to my short term (7-15 second) memory. The apartment was a mess. Books in the sink, scissors in the refrigerator. I spent most days pacing around my studio in a disoriented fog. I saw dead people, had dreams while awake, and "knew" things about what was behind the fluorescent lighting at the Kmart. I don't often mention this, because, well, you'll know why in a second, but another thing that happened was that I had random and seemingly unprovoked orgasms. I'm not kidding. And maybe that sounds like fun, but it was really alarming. I mean, think about that. Wait, don't. Anyway. This went on for weeks.
The blog was born that June, in the middle of the night, during a fit of online impulse buying that included novelty ice cube trays, three pieces of Moldavite, an antique enamel colander, and solar-powered phone chargers for all my friends, which is to say, I didn't really think it through. When I bought the domain and about $300 of additional features, I had in mind to create an online store where folks could purchase things which can't be bought. I set up a shopping cart utility and stocked my store with items like Peace of Mind, Affection, A Flash of Illumination, The Feeling of Not Being Alone, A Sense of Gratitude and the like. It was the kind of thing Miranda July would find romantic. Oh weird, I think I just threw up a little bit. So, I actually had in mind, in my psychotic haze, that I could provide these things to people, via words, for money, which is honestly THE MOST DELUSIONAL, CONCEITED AND HEINOUSLY WRONG-HEADED IDEA I HAVE EVER HAD. Though my heart was in the right place. It really was.
Thankfully, 24 hour customer service was available. Around 4 a.m., a guy answering phones very far away listened to me explain that it was all really very embarrassing and could I just un-buy that stuff and go to sleep because wasn't the whole thing a little out of hand. It might have been his idea, actually, come to think, maybe he said, "Sure, let's just refund all these products, but how about keep the blog? Everyone has a blog now. You might like it." Or something. And so I kept the blog, which turned out to be helpful in the coming months, when my brain began re-wiring itself.
The blog address used to be www.aparticulartimeandplace.com. Back then I had 23 subscribers, which, counting me, made 24 people who had no idea what they'd signed up for. After months of being asked "what are you writing about?" and "what do you actually do for work anyway?" and "what is it you're up to in Chicago?" I renamed the blog, to answer everyone's questions right up front. Yoga was never my destination, and I would hardly say I've landed here. Hell, I can barely remember to mention yoga in most of these posts. I continue to imagine that I'm on my way somewhere else, to do something else, but I suppose it's ok that I'm doing yoga, for the moment. (It's odd to me that it became what it has become, because I don't know what that is, but I am grateful for it, solely because of you, believe it or not.)
I've deleted most of the first posts, as they were written under the influence of suddenly being out from under the influence, though many of them were, let's say, "remarkable," by which I mean, remarks could be made about them. I don't stand behind everything I say here on the blog, as most of you know, particularly the really opinionated sounding stuff, because it's been my experience that the feeling of certainty and zeal inevitably precedes a contrary revelation. I was just telling a friend the other night that there should be a word for the opposite of "conversion," wait, is there one? Because every conversion experience I've had has seen an equal and opposite un-conversion - a realization that what was regarded as true is, at best, only true sometimes, that the ground underfoot is not ground at all but a floating bubble of quicksand made out of melted gummy bears and lube. That experience, the un-epiphany, is stronger than the faith that it stalks and then murders, by virtue of the fact that it accomplishes the faith-killing. And dear lord does it hurt, holy shit it does, like getting evicted, dumped and fired while free falling through an icestorm with a headache. But I'm a fan of it, I am, because, as some smarty pantses paste to the bottom of their emails, "if something is true, you don't have to believe in it." The illusion-crusher can't smash anything worth having. It's got a safety on it for that.
Wow am I ever off topic now. Haven't any of you wondered how the heck I'm going to write a whole book, not having the ability to stay focused for 5 paragraphs and all? Well, I wonder that all the time. Nevertheless, I'm going to get out of town next week and see if I can bury my head in it for a while. I'd really like it if you would send me words of encouragement, or anything else you have in mind to send me. I'm not sure I'll keep up with the blog while I'm away, so you might have to put a post it on your computer to remember me. In the meantime, Chicagoans, please do join me for the potluck this Friday after class! (Details in last week's post)
Happy 100th blog entry to me and you.
Love,
Karen
Where's my solar-powered phone charger?
Signed,
righteously dogmatic atheist (aka your best friend)
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Ok, busted. I only bought two. And I gave them to Laryl and Katie. Sorry. And I suppose I was also exaggerating when I implied that I have zero ability to relate to righteously dogmatic atheists, but it was mostly to see if I could get you to post acomment. So I win! I win!
LOVE,
your superbrat of a pal
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the opposite of conversion ought to be reversion. but since that implies going back to what you were before you converted, and probably isn't what you mean... maybe inversion.
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Someone wrote to me this morning that the opposite should be renunciation, but that feels just as wrong. The thing I'm getting at, the experience, is that it isn't something you decide, it's something thatcomes over you, like seeing the light, but in a specific way which reveals the falsehood of the formerly seen light. Does that make sense. It's like seeing the backstage of a play you thought was your real life. It's like an epiphany, but it sucks, except it's good. I don't know. Hi.
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you are lovely. if i had enough money to fly to chicago, i'd blow it on a cheap escort who'd let me call her karen for a few hours.
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Thanks, Charles. How sweet of you to say.
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